Flight of the Trolluce
by Minmei
Summary: [S3] Taking character bashing to a whole new level... Super Saiyan level, that is! T for language.


"Hurry, Hugo!" Sergeant Joe screamed as he, Lulu, and Fubar dashed up the hill to Karaya Village.

However, Hugo, being the current playable character, was left behind. Still, he followed, ignoring the lone Karayan warrior who was lying on the path, screaming in certain agony.

"OMG," he said at the fiery canvas raging brightly before him.

"This village... we'll be better off with it gone," hissed a woman's voice. "Sell _me_ a louse-ridden loincloth, will you..."

Lulu's eyes were fixed on the female knight observing the onslaught. "Yoooouuuuu!" he screamed dramatically, charging at her with a wooden knife, Karayan zeal, and all three of his brain cells.

The knight turned casually and drew her weapon, readying herself for this confrontation.

If one could call it that.

Said confrontation ended when the female knight effortlessly slashed the boy across the gut.

Actually, she didn't even cut him open. First, the blade she held had a protective child guard that would bruise at the very worst. Next, she barely tapped the runt, yet he still went down faster than a Lulu getting struck down by a female knight.

Actually, he didn't go down fast at all. To increase the drama levels, and to provide a little unintentional comedy to twisted Lulu-bashers and twisted Lulu fans alike, the boy descended from the air at mere inches per minute, as wide-eyed as a Lulu getting struck down by a female knight.

The ground went punished as the boy's corpse crashed into it, causing the dirt to swirl up. Hugo finally snapped out of his trance and rushed over to his fallen friend, taking him into his arms.

"Nooooo!" he cried. "Lulu...Lulu!"

"Aw, man," came the voice of the one sitting atop the white horse. "That's another dent in the child guard. Plus, this blade's got Karayan boy cooties on it now. Just great."

"Grrr!" Hugo grrred, carelessly dropping the corpse's head onto the ground. "How dare you! This was an innocent boy! And while he could be obnoxiously racist...and just plain obnoxious at times...he was my best friend! He lived, he laughed, and he deserves words far more respectable than 'Karayan boy cooties' to follow him into death!"

"Hmm?" The knight turned to the partially blonde boy, finally noticing him. "Oh, don't worry. It's not like he was a real person anyway."

For some reason or another, these words quelled the fury in the heart of the Karayan. "Oh. Well, when you put it that way...I guess not. If Konami had intended for him to be of any worth, they wouldn't have had him killed off in our first chapters."

"Right! You see, it's not like his death means anything, anyway. Some argue that, canonically, his death is the catalyst for your undying hatred of me, as well as Luce's determination to mother children orphaned by the war."

"Really? That's a bunch of crap."

"Sure is! If Luce was investing any kind of love in that pathetic excuse of a child, she probably has bigger problems than Lulu ever did! As for the topic of you and I...well, it's obvious we were meant to get busy! Can't let one measly detail like the death of your best friend get in the way!"

"I completely agree! As a matter of fact, it automatically doubles our squee OTPness!"

"Huh? Who told you about my operation?"

"What?"

The knight coughed loudly. "...Nothing. So, uh...doing anything now?"

"Well..." Hugo thought for a moment. "I was going to search the village for survivors, bury the other warriors, and pay my respects...but screw that!"

"Good! Wanna meet somewhere?"

"Sure! Lulu's grave good?"

"Only if you bury him first."

"Will do!"

"So what's your name? I'm Chris."

"It's Hugo. Nice to meet you, Chris!"

--------------------- 

Ten days later, Hugo stumbled upon the Great Hollow. He was on schedule...if the schedule included heavy booze and nights of forbidden, unbridled passion.

"Hugo!" a lizard guard cried out, running over to him.

"Urp...am I late?" the Karayan asked, barely able to keep above ground level with his wobbly knees. "The battle that was to take place...where are the Ironheads?"

"They...never arrived," replied the guard.

"How is that possible?"

"That armored female knight's glove hanging out of your pants might hold a clue."

Hugo blushed as he pulled out the glove. "Um..."

"Hugo!" called Luce, who was running out of the Great Hollow. "Thank the spirits you're okay! Where's Lulu? He's with you, isn't he? How's my little boy?"

"Dead as a doornail, Lucey."

The woman's happy expression vanished. "Wh...what?"

"Killed...by the female ironhead chief. But don't worry..." He came closer, throwing his arm around Luce's neck. "I took her to a nice place...and let her command _my_ ironhead...if you know what I mean...eh? _Ehhh?_" He repeatedly raised his eyebrows, snickering like an idiotic sleazebag. "It was a great night. I got some nookie, the Zexens satisfied their bloodlust, and that useless punk Lulu bit the dust. Isn't it great how it all worked out for everybody?"

"No..." Luce broke away, her eyes filling with tears. "NooooOOOOOOooOOOOooOOOO...!" She ran back into the Great Hollow, howling like a banshee.

"Okay, fine, I lied!" Hugo said in exasperation. "We only got to second base. Still, it's not something to get that upset over...geez..."

--------------------- 

For three days and three nights, Luce had locked herself away from society. Paralyzed with grief, she confined herself to her room, hardly hearing everyone outside her door having lives. When the impact of the boy's death had softened somewhat, Luce began to deliberate the consequences and the lessons to be taken from the purely senseless death. There were a great many paths to be taken at this point, after all. After carefully weighing her options and determining which road yielded the most benefits, Luce made her choice and most logically did what any female devastated for whatever reason in fanonical time did.

Turned bad.

When all citizens, permanent and temporary, of the Great Hollow caught a glimpse of Luce three days later, she was not the woman they once knew...or even recognized. She had discarded her Karayan costume for a black leather jacket, a black shredded tank top over a bustier, a short, tight, black leather miniskirt, fishnet stockings, and bad-ass black boots. There was a spiked dog collar around her neck, a bloodstone on her finger, and little skulls dangling from her earlobes. Her normally straight brown hair now stood petrified in a fluorescent pink and grey mohawk. Her face was painted a ghostly white, save the black lipstick and liquid black eyeliner creating raccoon eyes.

When this Hot Topic smuggler first unveiled her new look, she was met with many a gasp. Was she a chain smoker now? Did she worship the devil? Did she eat babies? And since when did they make miniskirts in that size?

Luce didn't let their whispers and stares bother her, however. At least, not until she was back behind the safe walls of her own room. That was when she unleashed the pain, wrote goth angst poetry, and practiced cross-stitching.

There was one more thing she did behind closed doors. An act so horrible she did not dare to let anyone catch her doing. So naturally, she left her door wide open whenever she was in the middle of said act.

As a matter of fact, now was one of those times.

"Damn them..." Luce inhaled and then set her pipe down on the porcelain plate. "I'm already in grief, and now they're just adding to my pain! How dare they..." She whipped out a silvery object and pulled back her sleeve, hoping to find an area of skin that had not yet been tainted. When she found one, she pressed the tip of the object deep into her flesh, flinching. "Yes..._yes_..." Thick crimson droplets began to trickle away from the spot, and she followed them, drawing a messy red line across her skin. "I'm not a slut...I'm not a slut...that night with Shiba and Beecham was a mistake..."

"Hey, Luce," Jimba said from the door. "Have you seen my silver quill pen? I've been looking for it everywhere."

The woman gasped and turned around quickly, shocked at having been caught in the act.

"Oh, you've got it... uh... Luce? What are you doing?"

"Uh..." Luce's face flushed red. "Oh, um...ohhh, don't look at me, Jimba!" she shouted, the histrionics climbing sky high. "I cannot _bear_ to know what you must think of me, mutilating my own flesh!"

Jimba only grew more confused. "What are you talking about? You're holding a quill, not a knife."

"It is a weapon that serves to end my very life if I were to cut carelessly one day!" she said dramatically.

"Luce... that quill has a sponge tip. And red ink. All you're doing is drawing red lines on your skin."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you--"

"No, I'm not."

"Ye--"

"No, I'm not."

"Damn it, Luce!" Jimba scolded, glaring. "Just give me the pen back! I have to write a letter."

Luce pouted. "Oh, all right, fine," she said, tossing the silvery feather over to him.

"Thanks," he said, but then stopped. "Hm?" His eyes fell on another small plate, covered with some kind of grassy leaves. He picked it up, taking in some of the aroma. "This stash of yours..."

"What? You mean my precious weed? What of it?"

"How strange it would bear the exact same scent as what Dupa was brewing yesterday."

"Y-yes, well..."

--- 

"_What the?_" Dupa shouted upstairs, his voice thunderous. He was gazing into an empty tin box.

_"Where the hell is all my green tea?"_

--- 

"I'm concerned about you, Luce," said Jimba. "That's all. You've been this way since Lulu died. Well, let me tell you, this way of life isn't worth it! Certainly not over a loser like Lulu."

"STFU," Luce shouted at Jimba. "It's my life! If I wanna do drugs and cut my flesh, I'll do it! Now back off!" She snatched up her pipe and tea leaves... er, I mean hardk0r 'stash'... and stormed out of her room.

--------------------- 

"Damn them. _Damn_ them...!" Luce whined as she made her way across the Yaza plains. "I hate them all! They don't understand my pain...! How I wish it would rain! Blades to cut them in twain!" Her eyes widened. "Hey, that's a good poem! Too bad I gave that quill back to Jimba..."

She was walking by a large stone when she heard giggling in the distance. "Hm...?" Four teenagers, two boys and two girls, were walking down the path.

"Oh, man, I had to break out that burned DVD again last night! Watching that little bitch fall over and over again!"

"Yeah! He looked so stupid with his eyes all wide like that."

"If there was anything good about the death, it's that it happened in Hugo's first chapter!"

"I know, right? They couldn't get rid of Lulu fast enough. It's like, couldn't they _tell_ how useless he was?"

Luce's eyes widened. "What?" she exclaimed, not believing what she was hearing.

"Who knows? They probably put him in there to torture us, or--"

"Hey you!" Luce shouted, stepping directly into their path. She glared at them, brows knitted, hands on her hips.

"Oh god, what does this heifer want?" whined one of the girls.

"That's my little boy you're talking about!" fumed the sencha-smoker.

"Your little boy...?" one of the boys asked in confusion.

"We don't even know your son!" declared the other boy. "Unless..." He looked shocked. "No way... is that you, Luce?"

"Damn right, it is!"

"What the hell happened to you? And since when do they make miniskirts in that size?"

"Ever since they started making legwarmers for troll dragons. But that's not important..." Luce pointed a goth-manicured finger at the group. "You'd better stop with the insults! I can tolerate people hating him while he's alive! But have a little respect for the dead, who are incapable of causing you injury!"

"But... but... he sucked!" the second girl sputtered.

"He's scum!" said the first boy. "He could never redeem himself in a thousand years!"

"From what?" Luce demanded. "He has done nothing to warrant a hearty laugh at his demise, let alone continuous insults and disrespect long after he has gone!"

"He insulted the Zexens!" the second boy said.

"We _all_ insulted the Zexens!" said the goth ma. "And the Zexens insulted us. Hello? Ironheads? Barbarians? Kind of hard to have a conflict in the story when you're all getting along, you know? Or did you want to play the world's shortest Suikoden to date?"

"But he was soooooooo annoying! Going on and on about how much he hates ironheads. God, I hate Lulu! I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I HaTe HiMx4;xcj"

"Uh," said Luce, raising an eyebrow.

"And don't tell us to not laugh at his death! It was funny! It was a well-deserved laugh after forcing all of his annoying crap on us."

Luce shook her head. "It's one thing to laugh at the nature of someone's death. It's another to laugh at someone's death because you hated that person. No matter how you felt about him, what Lulu experienced was horrible and undeserved. Need I remind you, all he did was spout insults--admittedly, maybe a little more than the average Grasslander--and react when he was completely justified."

It was silent for a while, and then...

"Lulu sucked!" the first girl said.

"I hope he's in hell right now!" added one of the boys.

"No," said Luce, feeling as though she had been stabbed in the gut faster than a Lulu getting struck down by a female knight.

"Hahahaha!"

"NOOOOOOoooOOooOOOO!" shrieked Luce, a swirling light of energy surrounding her. She reached into her metal-spiked bustier and pulled out a tiny wand decorated with Karayan clan colors. "That does it! Karaya spiritual power transform!"

And that was just what the magic within the wand did. With a wave of goth dust, Luce's depressing garb began to change into Karayan-colored sailor fuku, complete with long yellow gloves and turquoise boots. Her wild mohawk reverted back to its normal state, and a golden tiara appeared on her forehead. She finished off the transformation with a pretty pose, one hand on her hip, the other mid-air like the hand of Cleopatra.

"Oh, Jesus," said the first girl.

That was the only phrase any one of them had time to utter, because in the next instant, Luce's gloved hand was flying toward the girl's head. The girl yelped as she was pulled by her hair to the Karayan, her arms attempting to reach upward. Luce was quicker; her kneecap swung directly into the girl's face, shattering the bridge of her nose. Blood sprayed Luce's costume like a busted hose, and the girl stumbled back, falling on her derriere.

"Hey!" boy #1 shouted as he rushed up to Luce, throwing a punch in her direction.

Luce easily caught the boy's arm as she turned, twisting it around like a wet towel in desperate need of wringing. As he was whining like a sissy, she elbowed him in the jaw violently, expelling some kind of exaggerated battle cry as she did so. The boy stumbled around as he was then released, his mandible cracking more than a TMJ patient chewing Bazooka Joe post-surgery.

As the poor kid involuntary found a place to collapse, Luce turned to her two remaining opponents. Without hesitating, she produced a new kind of wand, one much bigger in size and gaudier. She swung it around for about thirty seconds of wasted airtime and then paused, posing again at a most inappropriate moment.

"Psycho...spirit...pixie...annihilation!" she shouted, shooting tiny, iridescent fairies from the tip at full-blast. The fairies squealed energetically like high-pitched, monkey tribal chants and crashed relentlessly into boy #2, disintegrating quickly upon contact. The boy, however, was unaffected.

Luce's mouth dropped at this shock. "What...how...could this be?"

"I don't know," he said, bewildered. "What the hell is even happening? You're shooting me with...fairies? Luce, what the hell? That's a poor imitation of the things on Sailor Moon, which, by the way, I don't even watch."

"Oh." With a wave of the wand, Luce's entire look became goth-bound once more. "How's this, then?" She stood with her feet shoulder-width apart, knees bent slightly. "Haaaaaaaaaa..." She was hunched over, her arms lifted halfway as though preparing to catch a large object from the sky. Her face became red and twisted as she screamed, like a chronically irregular man currently in the process of relieving himself in the next number.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..." Luce's cries grew louder and more ridiculous as her energy levels increased, her leather jacket ripping until it was sleeveless and tattered. The ground began to quake, the pressure eventually causing a four-foot wide crater to form beneath her. Luce's mohawk began to part and spread, the power shaking it free of fluorescents.

The boy would not--"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"--be upstaged, however. He imitated Luce, attempting to raise his power levels as well. At one point, his hair became blonde and spiky, an event coinciding with a flatulent bomb--er, ki gust.

Luce followed suit, and the two quickly became engaged in lightning fast combat. Rapidly flying fists jerked back and forth like flashing hadokens, narrowly and consistently missing their intended targets. And then... stuff happened... and then... um... they stopped, jumping back some distance to shout lame insults at one another for several minutes. And then, they both took flight. Yeah.

The remaining girl below watched in awe as the two repeated what they had done on the ground. Certainly they could find a better activity to do while airborne, besides hurling insults.

As if to grant the girl's wish, Luce stopped flapping her mouth and began to gather energy. "KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."

The airborne male super saiyan remained where he was, glaring and sweating like a bitch. His eye twitched.

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..."

The airborne male super saiyan remained where he was, glaring and sweating like a bitch. His eye twitched.

_"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."_

The airborne male super saiyan remained where he was, glaring and sweating like a bitch. His eye twitched.

At this time, several members of the audience had gotten up for a soda. This was one of those times where the badly assigned time frame of five minutes could be spread out over several days or so. Thankfully, no hyperbolic time chambers were accidentally invented in the making of this fanfic.

_"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..."_

The airborne male super saiyan remained where he was, glaring and swea..;jflka;;;j

The author woke up with a jolt, giving her head a small shake.

Also, the audience members returned after washing their cars as well.

**_"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...!"_** Luce completed, the intense ball of energy leaving her hands and shooting off in the boy's direction.

Still, the airborne male super saiyan remained where he was, glaring and sweating like a bitch. His eye twitched. His teeth were bared, but he made no move or attempt to stop the incoming wave. He was instantly blasted to pieces, but he reassembled himself just in time to turn the now-fleeing girl below into a cookie. It has twice the protein of a senzu bean, don't you know.

Before he could eat his snack, however, Luce boosted to Super Saiyan 4 and did a fusion dance with a troll dragon. Taking the act as a blow to his manhood, the boy flew toward Trolluce in a rage. Trolluce laughed and kicked the boy in the face, sending him into an upward spiral. The boy hurtled through the atmosphere at light speed against his will and crashed into the moon, shattering the heavenly body into nothingness.

Trolluce hovered near the hills of Yaza, placing her hands victoriously on her hips. Satisfied at having defended her baby's name, she could find the strength to go on now, without the drugs and the bad poetry. She would persevere in life, for the sake of Lulu's memory, no matter how much of waste that was.

"Wha-wha-whaaaaaat...!" Trolluce exclaimed, turning toward the author.

You heard me, Lucey. Defend Lulu all you like. It doesn't change the fact that he was a loser. Ahahahahahaha.

"How dare you!" Trolluce shouted. "Lulu would've been a fine man!"

Pshaw! Yeah, at practicing racial slurs. Tell me, Lucey, how could you live with a punk like that without giving in to the incessant urge to smack him around?

"Grrr! Now you've asked for it!" With that, Trolluce began to summon another kamehameha wave.

Oh, please. And what are you going to do with that? Level the Grasslands?

"No, I'm going to do..._this_!" Trolluce shouted as soon as she finished the kamehameha scream, shooting the white light in the direction of the author.

The author laughed, dodging the kamehameha wave, paying no attention to the fact that Trolluce had gained considerable power since the last time she had summoned the wave.

Speaking of the wave, it did a 180º arc upon reaching the edge of the author's universe. It then came back around and reentered the Suikoden world, taking out the author in the process. Trolluce laughed like a madwoman as the wave continued flying throughout the Suikoverse, not considering the consequences of this runaway ball of energy. The wave increased its power exponentially, creating a freak magnetic field as it continued bouncing from universe to universe. With no way to postpone the inevitable, the force eventually caused both universes to collide and simultaneously explode.

THE END 

And then ten minutes later, Lulu resurrected both universes with the power of the dragon balls of Suikoden heaven. Even the Zexens. But not his own soul, because as it turns out, he really was a sweet boy after all.

---------------

So don't hate. Hating leads to grief-stricken goth sailor saiyan mommies blowing up the universe. Or something.


End file.
